I’ve been struggling
within these 4 months
so much within me has changed

I’ve fled far away from you Lord
so much that I despise being labeled as a follower
I’m sick of the stereotypes placed on me
“You’re Christian, you shouldn’t be doing that,
you should find a Christian husband”

All that time before
reading Your Word
It was a short moment of satisfaction, fulfillment
then it became monotonous
feeling fake and needing to come up with words
a happy mood

All those times I knelt on the floor
weeping to You
feeling Your Presence
listening to Your songs
where has all those feelings gone?

I know You’re real
I still have uncertainty in Your Word being true
but it’s very close to being true
So I know what is right to do
and what is wrong
Yet I decide to be a fool
and dive deeper into sin
I want to do things my way

I don’t want to think about heaven
I don’t really feel like going to heaven
it’s too much work
too much life
I want life to be short
free
my loved ones
sister, close friends
if they’re all going to hell
even despite those who I know are going to heaven
what’s the point without them?
and is it my job then to get them to heaven?
it’s too much work
why is it that I’ve become content in sinning
and not wanting to go to heaven

sister and him
perhaps everyone else
they’re happy where they are
they feel like they belong
and doing what they want
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to feel that way
either decision I make
I’ll always be yearning for the other side
I can never be satisfied

I don’t love him
at least not yet
I can’t imagine a future with him
all the past feelings I’ve had
of me just being curious
me making sure to never fall for it again
he just wants sex

but now I just want sex
lick and suck
thrown around and fucked
from behind
spanked
choked
edged
pounded in the pussy
cummed in
repeat

sexting
nude
lily and polly
birth control
what’s next
virginity
eased in
then fucked hard

there’s surely going to be regret
there already is
I’m desperate for justification
of what has been happening
worries yet excitement about heartbreak

he says he’s bad influence
I want to assure him he’s not
that it was my decision to do so
that he’s helping me become more like
my true self
but I’d find ways to blame him
I always do

what are you doing
why has it gotten to here
how much farther are you going to take it

acting on my horniness
everything is fine when I’m horny
then the feeling fades
then my stomach is sick
reality sets in
I’m not so sure anymore
horny again
then we’re back to the cycle
didn’t you hear that?
cycle

I just want to go back
to the day I was sitting
I’m the edge of the cliff by the beach
I would redo so much from that day
but I can’t

why are you so foolish?