I feel like I should write this down
even though it makes me uncomfortable
or maybe seeing that
so many people have been speaking up about it recently
and feeling that I have to say something about it
just because.
it was something about protecting Asian women
why am I so disinterested?
when that is what I am part of?
who I am?
I am an Asian woman.

racism
every day I take it for granted
how I have never experienced racism
just little tid bits here and there
that I never really noticed
and only dug up from my memory
little moments of feeling uncomfortable
but brushing it aside
with a smile and chuckle
like it was a good joke
oblivious.

elementary school
it wasn’t towards me
but it was towards MJ
korean
some kids came and said
“ching chong ling long”
I think I stood up for her
I hope I did.

high school
Cantonese sounds so ugly
said aloud from a mainland Chinese person
I know there’s tension
I’m not really knowledgable
or feel too concerned about it
but I should be
because that is my homeland
but I get so frustrated
that there’s so much judgement
from both sides towards each other
xenophobia?
internalized racism?

college
Blake from ear piercing shop
oh you’re Chinese
something about my parents
I don’t really remember
but I talked down on them
saying they’re traditional
conservative
trying to make me seem like
I’m one of you
modernized
rebellious
getting ear piercings

roommate in Texas
from Michigan
her dad asking the difference about
Hong Kong and China
and after explaining
so you’re still Chinese right?
midly frustrated
it’s okay
they’re just not educated
oblivious
me going to Korean grocery market
J asking if I went to the Chinese market
or asking if what I’m cooking is Chinese food
why do you just assume
everything is Chinese
it’s okay
they’re just not educated
oblivious

B’s family
her mother talking about M their cat
doesn’t he look Chinese?
I laughed
because he kind of does…?
just because he has beautiful eyes
her father
we were listening to Come On Aileen
he started to make random puns and jokes about names
first one being an Asian lady
with no leg
Aileen
because she leans on one side
it wasn’t really funny
why did it have to be an Asian lady?
oh ignore him they said
and he tried to lighten the atmosphere
by making other puns and jokes with different names
laughed it off again
oh they’re allowed to talk like this
because their distant grandma has a little Chinese in her
doesn’t dad and brother look a little Asian?
they’re allowed to talk like this.
no you’re not.
just because you have a little Chinese in your blood
doesn’t give you the right to be
poking and making fun of us
nonchalantaly
they’re not bad people
it’s just what they’re used to
I guess
and that just makes me
uncomfortable

a few days ago
lady customer in front of me at the post office
post office worker was an Asian lady
customer lifted her mask away from face
to ask for whatever service she needed
worker told her to put her mask back on
customer didn’t hear cleary
and asked for the service again
worker said a bit louder that she needed her mask on
customer dramatically put her mask back on
covering over her eyes lol
and yelled aloud for the service
worker told her
that if she was going to treat her with that attitude
she will refuse to give her service
and left

customer waited in the same spot for a few minutes
turned around to me and said
oh I’ll probably have to wait for the other worker
and I said
oh it’s okay
and then she said
the Asian worker is treating her like
we’re in China
when this is America
and I didn’t respond
but just stood there
surprised
dumbfounded
excuse me?
lady you’re complaining to me
but I’m techinically from China
or Hong Kong
whatever, I know there’s that drama
but that’s for another time
and also you’re automatically assuming that
she’s from China
lol

anyways
she goes into the next worker
and complains to him saying that
something needs to be done about that Asian worker
she’s treating her like we’re in China
when we’re in America
the man said
well she’s American too
and the customer says she needs to speak to the manager
what a Karen lol

she goes and talks to the manager
and when she leaves
another woman who was lining up behind me
says to the customer
along the lines of
you’ll be treated how you treat people
I don’t remember the exact phrase
but she stood up to her
while I just said nothing the whole time

the Asian worker came back out
the customer behind me said
hi honey! are you okay?
at that moment
I felt dissapointed in myself
guilty
I should have done something
I should have told her that it was wrong for her
to generalize and make racist comments about
her being treated like we’re in China
what do you know about China?
you’ve never even been there.
I should have spoken up
instead of laughing it off
saying it’s okay
being quiet

I am an Asian woman too
but why don’t I have the courage to speak up about it
stand up for myself
for the rest of us
am I just going to be on the sidelines
for the rest of my life
brushing it off
staying uncomfortable?

moments like these can happen at any time
they’re happening right now
and it doesn’t have to be a viral YouTube video
or a news report
moments like these can happen to anyone of my family
at any second of the day
but will I continue to
just ignore it
bury it in my mind
as an uncomfortable memory?

I am lucky to not have experienced
intense cases of racism so far
but just because I haven’t
doesn’t mean my sisters and brothers aren’t
I have to educate myself
learn to be courageous
to stand up for us

but I get irritated about it sometimes
just like any other social justice topics
people feeling the need to speak up about it
just because everyone else is talking about it
some sort of pressure
the need to vocalize about it
and if you’re not talking about it
you’re not supporting it
these kind of things
turn me off
away from issues that are truly important
in need of being concerned about
but I’m making up excuses
to look pass them
treating it like how I viewed veganism in high school
hated them for following the trend
and now it’s understandable

it’s not about being a
social justice warrior anymore
it’s time to realize that
this is real
and I am apart of this
racism