I tried to end it with you that night
but I couldn’t even last 3 hours without you
I don’t know if it was I really had “love feelings” for you
or bitterness from being left with being called annoying
and a simple bye
it could have been just dreading the fact that
I can’t fulfill my sexual fantasies with you
I just know I can’t realistically be without you
right now
no matter how strong I think myself to be
or how witty I think I am
to say that I want to experience heartbreak
I just can’t throw this all away
cut it all off right now
not this quick

I’m scared now
that you’re going to get revenge
on my impulsiveness
to end it all with you
when I’ve been thinking to do it for a long time
for my long term and good ol Christian innocent self
I finally had the courage to do so
and no matter how much I try to list all your red flags
try to make sense out of my thought process and decisions
the boundaries I set
that I keep pushing for you
I throw that all aside
just to be with you

I’m scared
that you didn’t give a fuck
that you were so done with me
that you were thinking of calling the girl you hooked up with
in November
the time when I struggled the most
the week I said I would be really stressed
exams
holidays
my birthday
I don’t want to be that type of person
to have the need to feel special on my birthday
but out of everyone in the world
all I wanted was you
to wish me a happy birthday
but instead you were having your fun with her
and you immediately thought to have your fun with her again
the moment I said I’m leaving you

all you want is sex then, right?
the concerns I voiced in my head
about wanting to be in a relationship before having sex
and you still said
you took birth control for me
let’s not waste it and have sex
sex
sex
sex
it’s always about sex between us
yes
I want that too
maybe it’s true
that I just want you for sex

but what happens after that
I know I can’t be strong for myself
if you’re not there with me after that
I’m giving myself away to you
and you’re just going to leave me hanging
going to satisfy your needs with another girl
that will make you feel good

so will I do the same
and will it just be an endless cycle
until we find the one who can fix us

I’m scared
that you’re sticking around
and waiting for that moment
when I’m vulnerable enough to give myself to you
you take me
the one and only
use me
and throw me away
revenge

I don’t know where to go from here
it’s not a win-win situation for me anymore
it feels like I’m going to lose either way