bible college class
after all the sinning I’ve done these past months
and the continued sinning I’m committing
not even feeling shame about it anymore
feeling cocky about it

yet I still continue to attend bible study
yet I still continue to pretend everything’s okay
I’m still an innocent Christian goody-two-shoes virgin girl
put up a smile on camera
acting so fake
a fraud

I’m envious of you all
you must be feeling great
to not be drowning in sin
to be in the comfort of God’s Word and Spirit
how much longer can I fake
feeling that way

so what motivates you to be here today
I don’t know
I feel bad I guess
I don’t want to throw away completely everything
have this as an excuse
that I’m still a Christian
just not a very good one

or maybe it’s the hope
that one day I can return
back to where I was
but it seemed so superficial
like I was living in a lie
I always struggled with my true identity
I thought it was only me who knew my true self
but alas I didn’t
my true self was so much dirtier and perverted
and now I can’t go back
because this feels like the real me

so why am I here
and how much longer should I be here
or should I just go
and leave behind heaven
that’s stupid
but it’s tempting to do so
I don’t know