bible college class
after all the sinning I’ve done these past months
and the continued sinning I’m committing
not even feeling shame about it anymore
feeling cocky about it

yet I still continue to attend bible study
yet I still continue to pretend everything’s okay
I’m still an innocent Christian goody-two-shoes virgin girl
put up a smile on camera
acting so fake
a fraud

I’m envious of you all
you must be feeling great
to not be drowning in sin
to be in the comfort of God’s Word and Spirit
how much longer can I fake
feeling that way

so what motivates you to be here today
I don’t know
I feel bad I guess
I don’t want to throw away completely everything
have this as an excuse
that I’m still a Christian
just not a very good one

or maybe it’s the hope
that one day I can return
back to where I was
but it seemed so superficial
like I was living in a lie
I always struggled with my true identity
I thought it was only me who knew my true self
but alas I didn’t
my true self was so much dirtier and perverted
and now I can’t go back
because this feels like the real me

so why am I here
and how much longer should I be here
or should I just go
and leave behind heaven
that’s stupid
but it’s tempting to do so
I don’t know

I tried to end it with you that night
but I couldn’t even last 3 hours without you
I don’t know if it was I really had “love feelings” for you
or bitterness from being left with being called annoying
and a simple bye
it could have been just dreading the fact that
I can’t fulfill my sexual fantasies with you
I just know I can’t realistically be without you
right now
no matter how strong I think myself to be
or how witty I think I am
to say that I want to experience heartbreak
I just can’t throw this all away
cut it all off right now
not this quick

I’m scared now
that you’re going to get revenge
on my impulsiveness
to end it all with you
when I’ve been thinking to do it for a long time
for my long term and good ol Christian innocent self
I finally had the courage to do so
and no matter how much I try to list all your red flags
try to make sense out of my thought process and decisions
the boundaries I set
that I keep pushing for you
I throw that all aside
just to be with you

I’m scared
that you didn’t give a fuck
that you were so done with me
that you were thinking of calling the girl you hooked up with
in November
the time when I struggled the most
the week I said I would be really stressed
exams
holidays
my birthday
I don’t want to be that type of person
to have the need to feel special on my birthday
but out of everyone in the world
all I wanted was you
to wish me a happy birthday
but instead you were having your fun with her
and you immediately thought to have your fun with her again
the moment I said I’m leaving you

all you want is sex then, right?
the concerns I voiced in my head
about wanting to be in a relationship before having sex
and you still said
you took birth control for me
let’s not waste it and have sex
sex
sex
sex
it’s always about sex between us
yes
I want that too
maybe it’s true
that I just want you for sex

but what happens after that
I know I can’t be strong for myself
if you’re not there with me after that
I’m giving myself away to you
and you’re just going to leave me hanging
going to satisfy your needs with another girl
that will make you feel good

so will I do the same
and will it just be an endless cycle
until we find the one who can fix us

I’m scared
that you’re sticking around
and waiting for that moment
when I’m vulnerable enough to give myself to you
you take me
the one and only
use me
and throw me away
revenge

I don’t know where to go from here
it’s not a win-win situation for me anymore
it feels like I’m going to lose either way

I’ve been struggling
within these 4 months
so much within me has changed

I’ve fled far away from you Lord
so much that I despise being labeled as a follower
I’m sick of the stereotypes placed on me
“You’re Christian, you shouldn’t be doing that,
you should find a Christian husband”

All that time before
reading Your Word
It was a short moment of satisfaction, fulfillment
then it became monotonous
feeling fake and needing to come up with words
a happy mood

All those times I knelt on the floor
weeping to You
feeling Your Presence
listening to Your songs
where has all those feelings gone?

I know You’re real
I still have uncertainty in Your Word being true
but it’s very close to being true
So I know what is right to do
and what is wrong
Yet I decide to be a fool
and dive deeper into sin
I want to do things my way

I don’t want to think about heaven
I don’t really feel like going to heaven
it’s too much work
too much life
I want life to be short
free
my loved ones
sister, close friends
if they’re all going to hell
even despite those who I know are going to heaven
what’s the point without them?
and is it my job then to get them to heaven?
it’s too much work
why is it that I’ve become content in sinning
and not wanting to go to heaven

sister and him
perhaps everyone else
they’re happy where they are
they feel like they belong
and doing what they want
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to feel that way
either decision I make
I’ll always be yearning for the other side
I can never be satisfied

I don’t love him
at least not yet
I can’t imagine a future with him
all the past feelings I’ve had
of me just being curious
me making sure to never fall for it again
he just wants sex

but now I just want sex
lick and suck
thrown around and fucked
from behind
spanked
choked
edged
pounded in the pussy
cummed in
repeat

sexting
nude
lily and polly
birth control
what’s next
virginity
eased in
then fucked hard

there’s surely going to be regret
there already is
I’m desperate for justification
of what has been happening
worries yet excitement about heartbreak

he says he’s bad influence
I want to assure him he’s not
that it was my decision to do so
that he’s helping me become more like
my true self
but I’d find ways to blame him
I always do

what are you doing
why has it gotten to here
how much farther are you going to take it

acting on my horniness
everything is fine when I’m horny
then the feeling fades
then my stomach is sick
reality sets in
I’m not so sure anymore
horny again
then we’re back to the cycle
didn’t you hear that?
cycle

I just want to go back
to the day I was sitting
I’m the edge of the cliff by the beach
I would redo so much from that day
but I can’t

why are you so foolish?

blind date
two choices
chose this
building room 723
not 724
inside door
lobby
right room full of men
two asian
looking for Daryl Log
the boss
room on the right
opened the door
told me to wait
and shut the door
a few minutes
opened again
old, mid thirties
10 years older
white
not asian
enter room
office
showed me two envelopes
plane tickets
going on a trip
to orange county
sugar daddy
started drawing on white board
something about the election
that there was a problem
people assuming the second coming of jesus
hyun bin
he drew pretty well

and then I woke up
and had thoughts of having
a sugar daddy
10 years older than me
and I was not content
lying there
letting him do what he wanted to my body
4:30 am

insecurities

body image
chloe ting
28 flat belly challenge
day 24
belly still here
convincing myself
there’s a slight shadow of an ab formation
but it’s just the bone
grabbing my fat
pinching
tensing my core
nothing.
spending so much time
everyday
sweating and suffering
what’s the point
I say it’s for endurance
but I just want to be skinny

eating habits
anxiety about buying too much food
3.5 weeks left
still have alot to go through
why did I waste money on so much
it’s not a big deal
but I’m stressing out
not being able to finish everything
snacking often
eating too fast
full


she eats junk food for every meal
pizza rolls taquitos
cups and salsa
Nutella and pretzels
milk and soda
pasta with butter garlic and cheese
yet she looks like a model

kale kale kale
miso soup
bibimbap
vegetables
oatmeal
fruits
I thought I was eating healthy

why do I still look like this

I’ve never had these issues
about eating
or how I look
why did I become like this
it’s not a disease
but it could become one
I could blame people for it
but it’s all in my head

not doing enough
work more than 8 hours
don’t get overpaid
task based fulfillment
not getting criticism
compliments
yet feeling like
they’re not telling me something
it’s not enough
not satisfied
not happy
I don’t know if I can keep on doing this
why did I become like this

or have I always been
this conscious

“the new intern is
really
bright”

let that brightness
be from
the light that You shine
upon me
through me
and to others

061420
midnight
overwhelmed
silent tears
release
finally feeling close
your presence

the future scares me
that im not enough
and ill never be enough
inadequate
that i disappoint them
im not knowledgeable
as they think i am
always clueless
never been able to mature
comparing
dont know anything about the world
never enough

fear
i need Your perfect love
to cast out all the fear
give me Your perfect love

i have such little faith
little faith
worry
not trusting you
your perfection
but oh Lord
even faith as little as mustard seed
can move mountains

so Lord
move the mountains
for me
as you have done before
I have seen it
as you have done all this time
and as you will do now
and as you will do forevermore



“As I walk now through the valley,
let your love rise above every fear.
Like the sun shaping the shadow,
in my weakness your glory appears.

I’m not enough,
unless You come.
Will You meet me here again?
Cause all I want,
is all You are.
Will You meet me here again?

Not for a minute,
was I forsaken.
The Lord is in this place.
The Lord is in this place.
Come Holy Spirit,
dry bones awaken.
The Lord is in this place.
The Lord is in this place.”

chris from elevation
blonde curls
but with straight teeth
tall
caring
hands on my shoulders

leading me into the shorter line of the two
exchanging my black notebook
for a flimsy thick grey one
had to take some pictures of it
before I forget and lose it all
hands were shakey
like I was scared of them judging me

another dream
I got a burrito from
the street outside
I was happy
until I found out I got
carne asada
darn it
why did I get that
I wanted Al pastor
so I waited until Tuesday
taco Tuesday
to get all pastor tacos

that’s it

freedom
what is it

giving you control
that’s not my freedom
is it?

I have fear
fear of doubt
fear of not knowing what is right

all these songs
that used to comfort me
as I release myself

I fear now
negative thoughts fuming overhead
their intentions are not pure
I can’t even concentrate
on the words
on You

what is exactly right
how do I find out
who do I follow

I follow You
but how
it’s hard to see You
hear You
feel You

have I ever actually felt
Your presence?
I am doubting now
that all the experiences before
were just feelings

the heart is deceitful

I’m scared
of a day where I decide to stop doing all this
is that where finding the truth will lead me?
is that day going to come?
will I feel much more freedom?
will I be able to return?
will I think to return?

I don’t know
I don’t want to know
I don’t want to leave You
I feel safe now
in ignorance

but can I live forever in ignorance
in doubt?

I’m scared

it’s 1:45 am
I don’t know you
I have your number
for some goddam reason
what am I supposed to do with it
I can do anything

I know your name
your eyes
slanted
brown
long eyelashes
smile
dumb
probably drinks protein shakes
for a living
so similar
like him

fist
bumped
noticed
I hate that
it’s that feeling
acknowledged
I’m not special
but out of all the people that exist in the world
you interacted with me
1 in almost
8 billion

I’m scared
of what my mind can do with
the thought of you now