there’s alot of things
happening right now
little things
she opened the bathroom window
it smells like bananas
it got dusty
she keeps playing those protests videos out loud
I hate them
she gave me a little spoon
everything is bugging me
I want to explode and list everything out
that I’m annoyed at
but it’s not her
it’s me acting up
on edge
anxious
disappointed
that I slept through my problems
ran away
I’m hating everything right now
but help me be at peace
things will pass through
I just have to hold it in
be patient
calm
it’ll be okay

nostalgia hits hard
the days i’ll never live again

https://youtu.be/2NoF8PHQJqQ

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I don’t sleep well
as of late
I eat late dinners
and get food coma
lay on my bed
and scroll through my phone
begin to doze off
without washing up

I tell myself
it’ll be a little nap
you can get up later
and do what you usually do
but the nap lasts forever
and the time wasted

I sleep enough hours
but wake up
drained
tired
disappointed
unfulfilled
sleep does not rejuvenate me anymore

I begin to think
I sleep away my problems
let it be a moment of fake peace
run away
from all the things
chasing me
but I wake up
and it’s bigger than before

there was a time like this
before
high school
senior year

all sleep
falling into
depression

it’s been a long few months
since I thought of him again
but he returned this morning
and I wanted to stay

he was warm this time
relating
found things in common
wanted to chat
get to know me
asked me to stay

I felt needed
cared for
understood

I kept hanging on
desperate for that attention
affection

and it turned dark
how I wanted to
how it always seems to end up

I was on edge
so close to falling in
laying there for the whole morning
making up excuses
few minutes more
to endulge in those thoughts

I’m trying to stay strong
and fight
but it’s so hard
when you want it so bad
and you have the freedom
to choose and do it
human nature
but you don’t
it’s so hard

i ate a madeleine
that was expired
3 months ago

it tasted like
blue cheese

i hope i don’t die of
diarrhea

#shitpost

all these breakthroughs and opportunities
you have given to me
seems as if I should be okay now
in a better place
circumstances are looking up

but I still feel worn out
beaten down
weaker than ever

temptations creeping upon me
crawling from down under and back
inching to touch and suffocate me
chaining me down
harder than ever
I can’t do this
not alone

I can’t last through the night
nor start a new morning
fresh and innocent
I always need more
nothing can ever seem to satisfy

I push it in the back of my mind
keeping myself distracted and occupied
but it attacks in moments of freedom
vulnerable
and I return to the same spot I was before
New year’s Eve

he said I can overcome it
we can
now

I don’t know about that
it may be never
it feels like never

it’s funny how
two nights of deep talks
can get me already so attached

now you’re busy
but I want you to keep talking to me
ask me questions

let me pour out my heart
to you

no
I can’t
I hate this

started off eerie
heard the car crash
blocked the street
blue dented on both sides
same spot where I got hit

felt it was meant to be a bad day
my mood wasn’t great
tried to choose to be happy
but tiredness swamped over me

flash forward to the phone call
from San Antonio, Texas
they want to talk to me
heart beating fast
barely breathing
accidentally pressed delete

called her, got the name
something I can’t describe anymore
words can’t convey
this moment of shock
I got it

God
thank you
what are you doing
with my life
why is this happening

just flooded with feelings
tried to go back and act normal
they knew
I broke down
hands shaking

they were happy for me
I felt guilty
I was scared
there would be jealousy
because I know
I would be hateful and jealous
towards me

this opportunity I didn’t deserve
I did nothing to earn this
it was all your doing God
more thoughts
maybe I’ll write another time

he got the call too
disappointed we would be in
different locations
thought it would have
been a chance to
get closer

but alas that night
we did
somehow I shared
that secret that only
3 other people know
now he makes the 4th

I don’t know why I was comfortable in sharing
maybe because he said
he was struggling with it too

I feel like I gave him my heart
all that I had
just by talking about that

we have to be close now
right?
now that he knows
my biggest flaw

I remember telling myself
to not get that close to him
because I felt that
he brings out the worst in me
there’s no denying
that I liked him
maybe I still do
but it doesn’t feel right
and for me

and now we’re here
I don’t know what your plan is God
was it your will for me to share
with him

I took a nap
woke up never feeling like so
I had forgotten everything
what happened during the day slowly
started to flood back to my mind
like it had all been a dream
but it was true
it was all true

what a strange day

I feel it coming
I want to give in

the songs that fill my head
keep me from doing it
but I find myself
wanting to block it out

I want to dive deep
into this night of regret
it will be just this night
I tell myself
a momentary bliss
and a bit of guilt and disgust afterwards
but it’ll pass
like it always does

I want to feel held down
caressed and touched
the sacred parts
get feelings
thoughts go wild
I want to be breatheless
and melt into my thoughts of you

it’s so hard to escape out of this
it’s what I want the most
at this moment
just this satisfaction
for tonight

but I think of karma again
and she’ll haunt me tomorrow
a day I need to go well
I can’t have it be ruined by her

which will I choose
it feels the answer is obvious
I want one so much more than the other
but the other is the right answer
it’s so hard to fight this

when will it ever end
when will be the day
where I choose the right answer with no doubt
soon
or perhaps never